Comments for paper #2
Speech 2
This assignment asks us to utilize all of the tools that we have learned so far in Rhetoric class. For example, we have learned how to convey our information through statistics in graphs, personal experiences, purpose, audience, etc... We are to pick out a topic and convince the audience that this is urgent and needs instant action. After, we should pick out a solution and explain why the solution will solve the problem. Along with the speech, we need to have a reflection, which seem short of like an abstract. In it, we need to outline our "plan of attack" for the presentation. Also, explain the tools I used. The length of this speech is a little longer than the first speech that we had made. Some questions, Is the reflection similar to the abstract? What should the format of the speech be?
Your abstract has a good hook. It tells you what your paper is going to be about without giving away any information. Giving statistics in your paper is good especially coming from a different source. Your survey used a wide variety of people within the city limits because most fast food chains are in popular areas in a city places that get a lot of people. I think in your survey you used a lot of restaurants but some of them weren't seen to me to be fast food, they were just restaurants in general. Your information is really good and you get to the point without making your paper too long.
ReplyDeleteI think your paper overall is really good, it is very informative and clear. Three things that you could improve on are being more clear and concise, being sure your title and data match, and changing your headers and graphs. Some sentences could be more concise, such as, “There is a great deal of talk about health nowadays, to find if healthiness played a large factor in the decisions, the question is the food healthy?” This sentence, among others, could be less wordy to make your paper more clear and concise. Secondly, a few of your headers, like on my paper, got shifted so they are not on the same page as the text that goes with them. Your header for the discussion section is also spaced a bit too far down, which I am guessing was to make the header on the same page as the content but it got shifted. I would recommend backing the discussion header up a few lines to close the gap. You may also want to increase the size of your graphs. I had my graphs at about the same size and Professor Paudel told me during my conference that they were too tricky to read at that size. I also noticed that you included Buffalo Wild Wings in your graph of favorite fast food restaurants but Buffalo Wild Wings isn’t fast food. For your title to fit with your paper I would recommend either taking Buffalo Wild Wings out of the graph and your data or changing the title to restaurants in Iowa City instead of fast food in Iowa City. I think your paper is really good so far and you picked an interesting topic, but you have a few minor things that you could improve upon or change.
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